11.30.2007
Well, I thought I could get away with one post, but after reading about the first three months of posting, I must say I am awfully inspired to write some more. It's as if looking back at much more innocent times made me smile.
Alan's writing style has been solid for a long time. Looking back, his ideals haven't moved at all and his stylistic approach is impeccable. I'm probably going to ask him to start contributing again, god knows we both need it.
I was trying to figure out cute ways to ask out Marie today. Yeah Marie. There had been so much shit going on, and so many girls in and out of my life, but she's always been so good to me. That and she's cute when she wants to be (hint: it's not when she has all that makeup on). I figured something cheezy would do, because she loves that kind of stuff and I never give it to her anymore. I tried to learn a song on the guitar, but it ended up just hurting my fingers. I need to play more to develop some calluses and play "Back Here" and sing it like a champ. The other idea I had was to finally get a webcam and when I connect with her just have a sign in front of it that says "Will you go out with me." It's kinda cheating because I know she'll say yes pending some divine intervention.
I almost miss those days in HS where asking out a person and getting to know them was the greatest thing in the world. Haven't been able to do that in college; I don't go to class enough.
Sigh.
It's this sudden realization that, as you get older and move into the real world, you settle into a megear lifestyle that doesn't involve too many people. The list just gets smaller..
Then Marie AIM'd me drunk. I don't really know why this bothers me, but it does. She always seems so worried or so much under a level of understanding or diligent conversation. I must admit guilt to drunk AIMing, but it's a lot less worry and more fun and sometimes clever. I'm so introverted about it though that sometimes I just explode and get into a random rage and not want to talk to her, or just sometimes start yelling. She manages somehow even though sometimes I just get so ridiculous I threaten to stop talking to her even though I probably never will.
She really is too good to me.
Alan's writing style has been solid for a long time. Looking back, his ideals haven't moved at all and his stylistic approach is impeccable. I'm probably going to ask him to start contributing again, god knows we both need it.
I was trying to figure out cute ways to ask out Marie today. Yeah Marie. There had been so much shit going on, and so many girls in and out of my life, but she's always been so good to me. That and she's cute when she wants to be (hint: it's not when she has all that makeup on). I figured something cheezy would do, because she loves that kind of stuff and I never give it to her anymore. I tried to learn a song on the guitar, but it ended up just hurting my fingers. I need to play more to develop some calluses and play "Back Here" and sing it like a champ. The other idea I had was to finally get a webcam and when I connect with her just have a sign in front of it that says "Will you go out with me." It's kinda cheating because I know she'll say yes pending some divine intervention.
I almost miss those days in HS where asking out a person and getting to know them was the greatest thing in the world. Haven't been able to do that in college; I don't go to class enough.
Sigh.
It's this sudden realization that, as you get older and move into the real world, you settle into a megear lifestyle that doesn't involve too many people. The list just gets smaller..
Then Marie AIM'd me drunk. I don't really know why this bothers me, but it does. She always seems so worried or so much under a level of understanding or diligent conversation. I must admit guilt to drunk AIMing, but it's a lot less worry and more fun and sometimes clever. I'm so introverted about it though that sometimes I just explode and get into a random rage and not want to talk to her, or just sometimes start yelling. She manages somehow even though sometimes I just get so ridiculous I threaten to stop talking to her even though I probably never will.
She really is too good to me.
11.28.2007
I'm not sure about how long this new fangled obsession with blogging will remain, but I really want to write something long. Sitting here reading all these blogs from a while ago, I can almost taste what it felt like to be me four years ago. Since then it's been one long blur. I honestly cannot remember any real specific information and it scares me.
Actually honestly, I remember a lot of things. I choose to remain ignorant to things when it's comforting. As of recent, a lot of things I'm starting to forget. I can't really trace my happiness or there lack of based on whether or not I'm blogging, but I remember that I was a lot more content in high school.
Oh college.
I'm not going to a required lab for biology today. I'm actually blogging right now at 6:44AM with the intent of falling asleep just as it starts. I'm terrible. I've been slacking off for the whole semester and I'm scared to go to class. That's absolutely terrible and true at the same time. I read on thissite about the seven habits of ineffective people, and I think I hit all seven of them. I really don't see why I strove to end up here at Berkeley, among all these amazingly inspired and gifted people. I don't doubt that I'm gifted in some way, and do not doubt I can compete with these people, but it is as if that desire is just missing. It's nowhere to be found.
It's funny I logged into livejournal thinking about spilling my soul into that devilish place, but I just saw the term DSAT from someone's comment, and it reminded me of this blog. So much so, that I went and downloaded The District Sleeps Alone Tonight by The Postal Service again.
The fact that I still really enjoy this song somewhat scares me; it is as if my emotional growth has been
======================================================================
That part was two days ago. I never finish things anymore it seems.
I decided to withdrawal from Berkeley for the end of this semester and spring. This blog is pretty much the only place that I'll disclose that information with. It's honestly not something I'm ashamed of, or anything, it's just much more convenient for people to assume I'm at Cal. I'll be taking a lot of online courses next semester and hopefully I can get into a right state of mind. The last 1 1/2 years have been a huge mess. Slowly I've been descending into oblivion, and now that I'm standing in front of it I don't really know what else to do. Things used to just flow a lot easier, now I need to find some peace before returning.
For the next semester I'm planning on doing several things:
getting in shape
getting stronger in poker
finding some direction in what I want to do for the rest of my life
Getting in shape - It's not really a priority or like a need to lose weight or anything, I've just been really lazy and it feels uncomfortable when I sit at a 90 degree angle and can feel a layer of fat pushing against my stomach. I'm not sure if it's my eating habits or just my metabolism slowing down but either way I just want to feel a bit more in shape. Besides, exercise is supposed to make you happy.
Getting stronger in poker - I've been losing a lot of money. I can be such a strong player with great reads / odds calculating and reading the metagame but sometimes I just get on huge tilt. I can go up 500 and go down 700 in a day. I really need to just stop the bleeding once I get a bad beat or make a bad bluff. I think that the discipline in poker will help with other decision making. Life is always about decision making.
Getting some direction in what I want to do in life - I honestly don't know. Maybe it coincides with the going downhill, but I have no idea what or where I want to go in life. I'm leaning towards opening a business with my friends, but that might just be me being lazy. Either way, I'm void of passion and I finally can admit that's a problem.
Man it's humorous that I can see my state of mind descend based on the type of music I start listening to. At first atmosphere became a huge hit on my playlist, which was somewhat real with great beats but the lyrical flow was so intense. Right now I'm sitting here just listening to ... some alternative that's just terrible. I dunno I just eat this shit up when I'm tired/sad.
I'm going to the Mae concert with Betty Fang tomorrow. It's gonna be great.
I'm also withdrawing tomorrow. Hopefully.
Things will be ok.
Actually honestly, I remember a lot of things. I choose to remain ignorant to things when it's comforting. As of recent, a lot of things I'm starting to forget. I can't really trace my happiness or there lack of based on whether or not I'm blogging, but I remember that I was a lot more content in high school.
Oh college.
I'm not going to a required lab for biology today. I'm actually blogging right now at 6:44AM with the intent of falling asleep just as it starts. I'm terrible. I've been slacking off for the whole semester and I'm scared to go to class. That's absolutely terrible and true at the same time. I read on thissite about the seven habits of ineffective people, and I think I hit all seven of them. I really don't see why I strove to end up here at Berkeley, among all these amazingly inspired and gifted people. I don't doubt that I'm gifted in some way, and do not doubt I can compete with these people, but it is as if that desire is just missing. It's nowhere to be found.
It's funny I logged into livejournal thinking about spilling my soul into that devilish place, but I just saw the term DSAT from someone's comment, and it reminded me of this blog. So much so, that I went and downloaded The District Sleeps Alone Tonight by The Postal Service again.
The fact that I still really enjoy this song somewhat scares me; it is as if my emotional growth has been
======================================================================
That part was two days ago. I never finish things anymore it seems.
I decided to withdrawal from Berkeley for the end of this semester and spring. This blog is pretty much the only place that I'll disclose that information with. It's honestly not something I'm ashamed of, or anything, it's just much more convenient for people to assume I'm at Cal. I'll be taking a lot of online courses next semester and hopefully I can get into a right state of mind. The last 1 1/2 years have been a huge mess. Slowly I've been descending into oblivion, and now that I'm standing in front of it I don't really know what else to do. Things used to just flow a lot easier, now I need to find some peace before returning.
For the next semester I'm planning on doing several things:
getting in shape
getting stronger in poker
finding some direction in what I want to do for the rest of my life
Getting in shape - It's not really a priority or like a need to lose weight or anything, I've just been really lazy and it feels uncomfortable when I sit at a 90 degree angle and can feel a layer of fat pushing against my stomach. I'm not sure if it's my eating habits or just my metabolism slowing down but either way I just want to feel a bit more in shape. Besides, exercise is supposed to make you happy.
Getting stronger in poker - I've been losing a lot of money. I can be such a strong player with great reads / odds calculating and reading the metagame but sometimes I just get on huge tilt. I can go up 500 and go down 700 in a day. I really need to just stop the bleeding once I get a bad beat or make a bad bluff. I think that the discipline in poker will help with other decision making. Life is always about decision making.
Getting some direction in what I want to do in life - I honestly don't know. Maybe it coincides with the going downhill, but I have no idea what or where I want to go in life. I'm leaning towards opening a business with my friends, but that might just be me being lazy. Either way, I'm void of passion and I finally can admit that's a problem.
Man it's humorous that I can see my state of mind descend based on the type of music I start listening to. At first atmosphere became a huge hit on my playlist, which was somewhat real with great beats but the lyrical flow was so intense. Right now I'm sitting here just listening to ... some alternative that's just terrible. I dunno I just eat this shit up when I'm tired/sad.
I'm going to the Mae concert with Betty Fang tomorrow. It's gonna be great.
I'm also withdrawing tomorrow. Hopefully.
Things will be ok.
