Dublin Sleeps Alone Tonight

And I now present to you, the reader (which is...myself and vic), the pluses and minuses of my life at the moment:

+I'm living the american dream of not doing a goddamn thing.
+I have my own place with my friends, and can see my family when I see fit.
+No job, no school, no obligations.
+Surrounded by friends that care about me.


-I'm going insane with boredom
-I think I miss my ex a lot and want her back. Fully knowing that its a bad idea. And that she hate/loves me right now. And that if I get back together with her theres a good chance I'll go back to being unhappy like I was when we were about to break up.
-I miss being in a relationship and having a steady, good girlfriend.
-I'm not looking to date around or sleep with a lot of girls, I'd rather have something long term and meaningful. Why am I ready to settle down at the age of 20?
-I'm more or less surrounded with people that just sit around all day and do nothing. But they're my family and I love them.
-It's possible I'm developing a problem with alcoholism.
-Even being surrounded by my friends/family, I'm still pretty lonely.
-Being broke sucks.
-Not being one of the "beautiful people" sucks.

Boy, the inner workings of my mind sound way more depressed on paper. Time to try and get the negative:positive ratio up a bit. Almost 3:1 is not good.

So this sucks.

I'm still not over Beca, not like there was anything to be over. Mutually anyway. She's the Pam to my Jim in essence in my head (ala The Office.) Friends, hang out, talk, call/text each other, really attracted (at least I am), but won't make a move.

I really need to get all this shit off my head and resolved. And all this drinking isn't helping. Why the FUCK have I had so many inclinations to go back to Shannon lately. I know its not going to help, and its gonna end up being the exact same thing as before.

And of course my parents are getting on each other's nerves in front of everyone and arguing. Sometimes I want to smack them both and tell them to grow up. I really shouldn't feel like I handle things more maturely than my parents. I've never fought with a girlfriend like that.

Happy fucking holidays.

Yeah so uh, pretty much scratch that entire post below. I don't even feel like explaining or talking about it at all. Just didn't work out I guess.

Back to square one.

Well. I'm back. When Victor mentioned this little throwback I thought it was a good idea. So here I am, not knowing where to start. Catching up on the past will take too long, and the way I figure it, when its important and relevant it will surface itself.

So theres been a new object of my affection lately. Man, object is a terrible word to use there. Good thing she won't read this and see me calling her an object. I'm so bad at words. Anyway, I'm quickly becoming totally head over heels, as is my nature. But I'm pretty positive that she's worth it, if I don't fuck it up (btw there I go again, starting sentences with "but", who the fuck taught me english?) Basically not too long ago I mentally made a list of every quality I want in "the girl" when I find her. And Beca nails basically every single thing on the list.

-Smart
-Great sense of humor
-Outgoing
-Parties, but within reason (aka not a party slut, more on that in a sec)
-Great conversationalist
-Really honest and open
-Incredibly attractive, great smile
-Short (trivial, but short girls are just so cute)
-Has a life, goes out and does shit

I could really keep going on, but the point is that she is a pretty fucking gosu girl. The small things have always gotten me, and the other night makes me not only think that I have a decent chance to start a relationship with this girl, but that she is more awesome than previously anticipated. First, I made the stupid, STUPID decision to suggest hookahing (really need to find out how that word is REALLY spelled) at our apartment, during a decent sized party of Josh's friends, plastered drunk and incredibly loud and obnoxious. Not the best first impression of where I live/my friends to a girl. When we got here, she seemed pretty unfazed. She even stayed and hung out until like 2:30 am, after saying its the latest shes stayed out in a long time. At a house full of obnoxious ass stupid drunk people. Score. And shes not the kind of girl whose #1 priority in life is getting high/drunk/throwing up plastered/getting laid. She has goals. She learns from the past and is aware of the lessons of life all around her. Big difference from past girls I've been going for.

The thing that really caught my attention when she was here was small. I really doubt anyone else did, or would, catch it. When we were hookahing, she was going through my itunes, and picked all of the best ridiculous, random ass songs on there. That may seem stupid or trivial to most people, but to me its saying a lot about her. She straight up picked the bat rap from Ferngully. NO ONE ever recognizes that song, let alone knows where its from but me. Points for her. There were also other songs she picked that just kinda surprised me, nothing anyone would care about or find noteworthy, it just meant something to me.

And there I go, rambling on for days about a girl, just like the old days. But hey, thats what I do, I'm a complete blind romantic, constantly trying to find that one girl. Honestly, what else am I gonna do?

The past few months I've been SO restless about everything. Money, bills, that fucking schooling for the water district job, everything. I've never been like this, letting everything stress me out when it really shouldn't. I know calling myself "the american dream" is all in good humor and sarcasm, but in reality I've got a pretty damn good thing going. I'm surrounded by the best friends I could ask for, even the ones that aren't always around, or in constant contact, I know they're still there. Things with my family are finally rock solid. I can be open with them, tell them things about me and my life, actually be myself around them. I finally have confidence in myself. This schooling shit is a joke, which may come and bite me in the ass later on, but it won't be anything I can't handle. I'm being trained for a career in something I want to do, at my own pace, whenever I want, from home. I don't have a job for the first time in 4 years, which makes me bored sometimes, but its fucking great too. I have my own place with some pretty rad people, where I can do whatever the fuck I want, whenever I want.

So what the FUCK is making me stress all the time?

Full Tilt Poker Game #4430844196: Table Taurus (6 max) - $0.50/$1 - No Limit Hold'em - 3:24:03 ET - 2007/12/08
Seat 1: GreenCPA ($72)
Seat 2: skidudejay ($126)
Seat 3: viccyran ($126.50)
Seat 4: tice03 ($103.65)
Seat 5: Mache112 ($118.55)
Seat 6: High On LFE ($85.40)
viccyran posts the small blind of $0.50
tice03 posts the big blind of $1
The button is in seat #2
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to viccyran [6c 6h]
Mache112 folds
High On LFE folds
GreenCPA raises to $3.50
skidudejay raises to $12
viccyran has 15 seconds left to act
viccyran calls $11.50
tice03 folds
GreenCPA folds
*** FLOP *** [8h 4s 5c]
viccyran has 15 seconds left to act
viccyran checks
skidudejay bets $15
viccyran has 15 seconds left to act
viccyran raises to $44
skidudejay raises to $114, and is all in
viccyran calls $70
skidudejay shows [Jd Ad]
viccyran shows [6c 6h]
*** TURN *** [8h 4s 5c] [3h]
*** RIVER *** [8h 4s 5c 3h] [Qh]
skidudejay shows Ace Queen high
viccyran shows a pair of Sixes
viccyran wins the pot ($253.50) with a pair of Sixes
skidudejay is sitting out
viccyran: i knew you were
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot $256.50 | Rake $3
Board: [8h 4s 5c 3h Qh]
Seat 1: GreenCPA folded before the Flop
Seat 2: skidudejay (button) showed [Jd Ad] and lost with Ace Queen high
Seat 3: viccyran (small blind) showed [6c 6h] and won ($253.50) with a pair of Sixes
Seat 4: tice03 (big blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 5: Mache112 didn't bet (folded)
Seat 6: High On LFE didn't bet (folded)

I think I should start out every single post with something like this.

I was playing extremely LAG but this guy was worse. Raising all-in for 100 all the time, I knew I could crack him eventually. Although I must say it looks like a bad call, I knew he was raising with A-10 to AK and had nothing that I was worried about.

I'll actually blog most likely later tonight or tomorrow, nothing to do this weekend anyway.

Labels: Poker

Full Tilt Poker Game #4420576554: Table Exeter (6 max) - $0.25/$0.50 - No Limit Hold'em - 6:12:24 ET - 2007/12/07
Seat 1: viccyran ($64.20)
Seat 2: meetaeater ($89.65)
Seat 3: juano3132 ($43.20)
Seat 4: vMario ($57.45)
Seat 5: Edmuntus ($49.25)
Seat 6: WendyDD ($30.70)
vMario posts the small blind of $0.25
Edmuntus posts the big blind of $0.50
The button is in seat #3
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to viccyran [Qs Jd]
WendyDD calls $0.50
viccyran raises to $2.25
meetaeater calls $2.25
juano3132 folds
vMario folds
Edmuntus folds
WendyDD calls $1.75
*** FLOP *** [8s Tc 9c]
WendyDD checks
viccyran bets $7.50
meetaeater raises to $87.40, and is all in
WendyDD calls $28.45, and is all in
viccyran has 15 seconds left to act
viccyran: i have you two beat right now or tied at worst
viccyran: but you could hit that damn flush
viccyran calls $54.45, and is all in
meetaeater shows [As Ad]
WendyDD shows [Ac 6c]
viccyran shows [Qs Jd]
Uncalled bet of $25.45 returned to meetaeater
*** TURN *** [8s Tc 9c] [3h]
*** RIVER *** [8s Tc 9c 3h] [Ts]
meetaeater shows two pair, Aces and Tens
viccyran shows a straight, Queen high
viccyran wins the side pot ($67) with a straight, Queen high
WendyDD shows a pair of Tens
viccyran wins the main pot ($89.85) with a straight, Queen high
WendyDD is sitting out
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot $159.85 Main pot $92.85. Side pot $67. | Rake $3
Board: [8s Tc 9c 3h Ts]
Seat 1: viccyran showed [Qs Jd] and won ($156.85) with a straight, Queen high
Seat 2: meetaeater showed [As Ad] and lost with two pair, Aces and Tens
Seat 3: juano3132 (button) didn't bet (folded)
Seat 4: vMario (small blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 5: Edmuntus (big blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 6: WendyDD showed [Ac 6c] and lost with a pair of Tens



My gosh, it's already been a week since I last blogged. Christ.

I really thought it would be a reoccuring perpetual thing, but I guess like before it is merely a spurt here and there. But as long as I try to establish a habit I think I'll be happy with it. 2-3 times a week at least. I had a lot of ideas almost every single day, but I never ended up putting them on paper and I ended up forgetting at least 75% of them. My fear of forgetting literally rationalized in a week alone. Hah.

So the night after withdrawing I received a phone call from my mother. Whenever my mom says it's 'urgent', it's usually trouble. She put 5,000 dollars in my bank account and wanted me to withdraw it for her the next day. I felt trouble, I knew it was trouble, but I went for it anyway. My mom came over with my stepdad and brother the next day came to Berkeley to grab the cash. Ironically I ended up giving them a tour of UC Berkeley and ended up having a delightful lunch. I didn't feel an ounce of shame not telling them what I had done, and I'm not sure if that should worry me or not. It felt good to hang out with my family for once.

The next day I saw that my account had dropped below -3500 dollars. Combined with my credit card for overdrafts and the money that was left in the account, the 5000 dollars I withdrew for my mom came to bite me back. I knew it was coming, but my blind faith in my family came through. I'm supposed to completely love and trust my family, but when it comes to my financial future, how am I supposed to when they're just as / more irresponsible as I am?

It was a terrible feeling, because I really couldn't talk to anyone about it. My dad refused to listen and just somewhat put up a "well that's your mom why would you let her do that to you" talk and I couldn't handle it.

It was probably one of few terrible times in my lifetime where I just spent the day unable to function. I couldn't really use my credit cards or anything and I had no cash so I had to bum off people for things and just stay home and do nothing. Thing eventually kind of fixed themselves and here I am.

I forgot how to come to a conclusion since I haven't written in such a long time. Terrible.

I withdrew today. It felt refreshing. From here on out it's a grab bag. What I do know is that I'm going to have about 2 months off to do... something. Maybe I should go somewhere for a while.

Man, the concert was great.

To be honest? I've never been to a concert. I think all those older people telling me that I'll go deaf if I went to a single one discouraged me. I want to go to an Atmosphere one. Mae was great. Everyone else was okay. Honestly, Motion City Soundtrack were really good performers as well but I just wasn't into the music and the screaming girls behind me. That was probably the only moment that I felt as if those old people were right. Teenage girls screaming at full strength right behind you could possibly be the worst form of torture I've yet to experience. We left early and managed to find ourselves at Mel's near the Metreon.

Hah, I think that's the first non-gf that I've ever taken to eat there. Theresa, Marie, Monica... haha. I got the same thing I got each time, terrible.

This new Mae CD that the concert inspired me to grab is relatively good. It's a different sound, more oriented towards the mainstream, but it's still unique. I don't know why people are constantly saying it's trash.

Hmm, beyond the useless dribble.....


You know that feeling when you're doing something with someone of the opposite sex and although they've been only a friend for so long, you contemplate just maybe? Yeah. I think in that sense I'm a closet hopeless romantic. The only problem is that you subtract an individual person from that ideal, and that's what I'm stuck with. Almost every single girl that I can have a good time with for more than 5 minutes at a time I feel as if I could be soulmates with that person.

I think that's enoguh for tonight. Honestly I can't pull anymore out of my ass and I need to sleep to think more.

Well, I thought I could get away with one post, but after reading about the first three months of posting, I must say I am awfully inspired to write some more. It's as if looking back at much more innocent times made me smile.

Alan's writing style has been solid for a long time. Looking back, his ideals haven't moved at all and his stylistic approach is impeccable. I'm probably going to ask him to start contributing again, god knows we both need it.

I was trying to figure out cute ways to ask out Marie today. Yeah Marie. There had been so much shit going on, and so many girls in and out of my life, but she's always been so good to me. That and she's cute when she wants to be (hint: it's not when she has all that makeup on). I figured something cheezy would do, because she loves that kind of stuff and I never give it to her anymore. I tried to learn a song on the guitar, but it ended up just hurting my fingers. I need to play more to develop some calluses and play "Back Here" and sing it like a champ. The other idea I had was to finally get a webcam and when I connect with her just have a sign in front of it that says "Will you go out with me." It's kinda cheating because I know she'll say yes pending some divine intervention.

I almost miss those days in HS where asking out a person and getting to know them was the greatest thing in the world. Haven't been able to do that in college; I don't go to class enough.

Sigh.

It's this sudden realization that, as you get older and move into the real world, you settle into a megear lifestyle that doesn't involve too many people. The list just gets smaller..

Then Marie AIM'd me drunk. I don't really know why this bothers me, but it does. She always seems so worried or so much under a level of understanding or diligent conversation. I must admit guilt to drunk AIMing, but it's a lot less worry and more fun and sometimes clever. I'm so introverted about it though that sometimes I just explode and get into a random rage and not want to talk to her, or just sometimes start yelling. She manages somehow even though sometimes I just get so ridiculous I threaten to stop talking to her even though I probably never will.

She really is too good to me.