12.30.2003
"You think that there is one right person for everyone in the world?"
"I think that attraction is often mistaken for rightness."
-oyasumi.
"I think that attraction is often mistaken for rightness."
-oyasumi.
12.28.2003
[00:45:52] xc a r b 0 n2k2x: tiredsux
[00:45:53] xc a r b 0 n2k2x: wait, >_<
[00:45:54] xc a r b 0 n2k2x: tireddszz
[00:45:56] xc a r b 0 n2k2x: im going to bed
[00:45:57] xc a r b 0 n2k2x: or something
[00:45:58] xc a r b 0 n2k2x: later
only a few people understand why i find this humorous.
[00:45:53] xc a r b 0 n2k2x: wait, >_<
[00:45:54] xc a r b 0 n2k2x: tireddszz
[00:45:56] xc a r b 0 n2k2x: im going to bed
[00:45:57] xc a r b 0 n2k2x: or something
[00:45:58] xc a r b 0 n2k2x: later
only a few people understand why i find this humorous.
12.26.2003
[Music: Michelle Branch - Breathe (What an inappropriate song for this.. and I'm such a woman =X]
But yeah. There hasn't been a 'real' post from me in quite a while, so I figured this would be a good time to write one while noone is really online, so I have no distractions.
So yes. Christmas. Everyone was bringing out their shiny new toys and such, and I came out with.. eh.
I spent christmas eve with my mom's side, and we did our gift exchanging, I got some cash, not really any thought put into it, but I don't expect much from them. I'm not really a family person (I'll go into detail about that later). So I go home so I can spend some time with my dad's side and to recieve presents from him.
Christmas didn't seem so magical this year. It was rather depressing. The old traditions on my mom's side, staying up until midnight then giving out presents, taking pictures, that was all thrashed by upset parents and starting that crap around 9:30. I hate it, it's really depressing to see how traditions are being thrown out the window, and it got me somewhat upset.
So, I get home, and that morning I got.. flannel. I figured it was a joke. No joke, my dad doesn't give a damn. Usually he has some huge surprise, some random thing I don't really care about; generally computer crap, but at least it's something.
Nothing this year.
I didn't think it'd emo me up this much, I wasn't really looking for anythign in particular except a DVD burner, but eh. I guess I'll rub it in tomorrow morning.
So getting back to the point, my general topic for tonight is how I'm an anti-family person and I blame my parents for that. Well, I don't really blame them, I'm not too upset about it, they're just the reason for it.
Why? My parents split up when I was 3 years old. 2 years old. 3 years old? I wasn't old enough to remember. Growing up, I lived with my dad because apparently he was more 'financially stable' at the moment, but he wasn't very emotionally stable. No, he didn't beat me (-_-...), but I grew up learning how to take care of myself. My dad was too endulged in finding another person, and buzy with work, and my grandma was old, so that left me, by myself to learn.
I lived in Sunnyvale during those rough times, and I grew up in a 'dog-eat-dog' world. Of course, that led to my tendency to have older friends, somewhat of a protection issue at that age, now it's just natural for me to hang out with older people.
As a kid, I learned things the hard way, no one really cared for a while, and I grew up not giving a damn about anyone else. That's a problem as of now, and I'm learning to change. I still don't care about my parents though, and sometimes that seems sad, but other times I'm reminded of why I felt that way and why I do now. My parents are rather stable now, and now they want to give me all that love they lacked a few years ago, but I guess it's too late.
I've grown to be an independent person, striving for what I want, and what I need. Over the past few years, I've had more consideration in my diet, and I've learned to care, but for some reason I can't apply that to family life. It sounds absolutely horrible, and I know that, but I think there's a subconcious safety device that denies all of that 'unconditional love' crap.
I sound like an absolutely horrible person now, and that's to be expected, but I think there are a lot of positive sides to myself. I handle things a bit better then other people (besides relationships that begin with that 'k' letter..; but I'm over that) and I generally get shit done if I need to, and I don't rely on many people.
After reading that again, that seems very cold and brooding, but whatever, that's me.
I think a lot of people see me as a really warm person, that can pack quite a bite if I get upset. I'm trying to fix that; that's something I picked up from my father. If I or my father wants to piss someone off, generally we will. And usually there's no positive effect, but we don't care. Driven by anger, causing more anger; that's one of my weakest points. A lot of relationships that I have with people have been ruined due to this. I hate it, but when I'm doing it it just feels sooo good >_<.
This song is the only one on the playlist right now, and it's playing over and over, and it seems to just loop without me noticing it.. la la la..
Tomorrow is going to be a GOOD day, weither anyone likes it or not. I'm going to have a blast; if not, people die.
-cheers.
-oyasumi
But yeah. There hasn't been a 'real' post from me in quite a while, so I figured this would be a good time to write one while noone is really online, so I have no distractions.
So yes. Christmas. Everyone was bringing out their shiny new toys and such, and I came out with.. eh.
I spent christmas eve with my mom's side, and we did our gift exchanging, I got some cash, not really any thought put into it, but I don't expect much from them. I'm not really a family person (I'll go into detail about that later). So I go home so I can spend some time with my dad's side and to recieve presents from him.
Christmas didn't seem so magical this year. It was rather depressing. The old traditions on my mom's side, staying up until midnight then giving out presents, taking pictures, that was all thrashed by upset parents and starting that crap around 9:30. I hate it, it's really depressing to see how traditions are being thrown out the window, and it got me somewhat upset.
So, I get home, and that morning I got.. flannel. I figured it was a joke. No joke, my dad doesn't give a damn. Usually he has some huge surprise, some random thing I don't really care about; generally computer crap, but at least it's something.
Nothing this year.
I didn't think it'd emo me up this much, I wasn't really looking for anythign in particular except a DVD burner, but eh. I guess I'll rub it in tomorrow morning.
So getting back to the point, my general topic for tonight is how I'm an anti-family person and I blame my parents for that. Well, I don't really blame them, I'm not too upset about it, they're just the reason for it.
Why? My parents split up when I was 3 years old. 2 years old. 3 years old? I wasn't old enough to remember. Growing up, I lived with my dad because apparently he was more 'financially stable' at the moment, but he wasn't very emotionally stable. No, he didn't beat me (-_-...), but I grew up learning how to take care of myself. My dad was too endulged in finding another person, and buzy with work, and my grandma was old, so that left me, by myself to learn.
I lived in Sunnyvale during those rough times, and I grew up in a 'dog-eat-dog' world. Of course, that led to my tendency to have older friends, somewhat of a protection issue at that age, now it's just natural for me to hang out with older people.
As a kid, I learned things the hard way, no one really cared for a while, and I grew up not giving a damn about anyone else. That's a problem as of now, and I'm learning to change. I still don't care about my parents though, and sometimes that seems sad, but other times I'm reminded of why I felt that way and why I do now. My parents are rather stable now, and now they want to give me all that love they lacked a few years ago, but I guess it's too late.
I've grown to be an independent person, striving for what I want, and what I need. Over the past few years, I've had more consideration in my diet, and I've learned to care, but for some reason I can't apply that to family life. It sounds absolutely horrible, and I know that, but I think there's a subconcious safety device that denies all of that 'unconditional love' crap.
I sound like an absolutely horrible person now, and that's to be expected, but I think there are a lot of positive sides to myself. I handle things a bit better then other people (besides relationships that begin with that 'k' letter..; but I'm over that) and I generally get shit done if I need to, and I don't rely on many people.
After reading that again, that seems very cold and brooding, but whatever, that's me.
I think a lot of people see me as a really warm person, that can pack quite a bite if I get upset. I'm trying to fix that; that's something I picked up from my father. If I or my father wants to piss someone off, generally we will. And usually there's no positive effect, but we don't care. Driven by anger, causing more anger; that's one of my weakest points. A lot of relationships that I have with people have been ruined due to this. I hate it, but when I'm doing it it just feels sooo good >_<.
This song is the only one on the playlist right now, and it's playing over and over, and it seems to just loop without me noticing it.. la la la..
Tomorrow is going to be a GOOD day, weither anyone likes it or not. I'm going to have a blast; if not, people die.
-cheers.
-oyasumi
12.24.2003
Victor is one of the happiest people in the world.
And no, Ignorance is not bliss today.
Let's try to not ruin it.
[edit] it's really funny how a great day can turn into a bad one just by checking your buddy list for about 2 minutes..
But it's still a decent day. :D
And no, Ignorance is not bliss today.
Let's try to not ruin it.
[edit] it's really funny how a great day can turn into a bad one just by checking your buddy list for about 2 minutes..
But it's still a decent day. :D
12.21.2003
12.20.2003
[the postal service - district sleeps alone tonight]
Tonight was a happy night.
Yet, I feel so.. empty. It's a rather strange feeling I might admit. This morning I woke up and hauled my ass down to Milpitas to do things, and I had some fun, and I got back here at around 1. Alan came over at 3, and we watched the unedited version of Spun; which was a very good movie. After he leaves, I'm just kind of chilling at home, and later at night we went to go play ID at the movies again, which was pretty interesting, a lot of beating up the 'good' people of dublin at ID, and it wasn't really any competition.
Ah, I can't express anymore right now, i'll blog later.
Tonight was a happy night.
Yet, I feel so.. empty. It's a rather strange feeling I might admit. This morning I woke up and hauled my ass down to Milpitas to do things, and I had some fun, and I got back here at around 1. Alan came over at 3, and we watched the unedited version of Spun; which was a very good movie. After he leaves, I'm just kind of chilling at home, and later at night we went to go play ID at the movies again, which was pretty interesting, a lot of beating up the 'good' people of dublin at ID, and it wasn't really any competition.
Ah, I can't express anymore right now, i'll blog later.
12.18.2003
12.17.2003
[music: The postal service (TPS'ing it just makes it sound horrible) - there's never enough time
Hah, It's been a while.
The universe has turned upside down; as Alan is blogging more then I on this thing. What is it again? I don't even know, we had our angry times, and now we have our living our lives one day at a time thing.
What's next? Who knows, this has lasted longer then the other.. temporary blogs.
So yes, it's been about.. 2 weeks since i've blogged? It's probably going to be another 2 weeks, considering that breaks coming up and either I'll be buzy or I'll just be hanging out too much to even think about blogging about my 'great' winter break to be.
My life has been rather exciting lately, I've been doing a lot of new things, but I still have that stoic expression on my face at the end of the day. I don't really understand it myself, but it's just one of those things teling you that you need more excitment in your life. This coming from a 14-year old. Hah.
Ever since I've turned off my away message when I'm actually on, AIM messages have just been flooding in! Good, bad; who knows, but it was like a revelation. (There's a reason I leave my away message off, it's rather personal, and somewhat stupid so we'll leave it at that.)
So anyway, back to my 2 week break, I've had no real life for the past two weeks, and I've been rather buzy this week in particular. Considering it's the week before winter break, it's somewhat understandable. I've been buzy enough to see that I neglected a few of my friends today, but that's what I get for overbooking. They don't mind.. or I hope not anyway.
It's hitting 10, and the headache is starting to set in. I have been sleeping, then not, in alternate days. 1 hour of sleep, to 10, then back to 4. Now, I hope I get a lot of sleep tonight. I want to wake up fresh, and just do my thing.
I'm listening to an immature jerk lecture me about stuff, but it's ok because I get what info I want, and I can cope.
Anyway, this weekend will be one of those make or break weekends, one that will probably be remembered for a while, hopefully it'll go well.
I write in really.. small clumps. It's a rather pathetic subconcious attempt to make it seem longer, but I never notice until I post. Just me I guess.
I'm not going to introduce any personal issues tonight, that always spoils what good might happen in my life, and I wouldn't want to do that.
My plan for tomorrow is to go christmas shopping for a few people, then on friday, going to a movie and maybe IDing after. ID has become rather fun as of late, and I don't really get it myself. My times haven't gotten any better, but it's just my friends have been getting good, so it's fun competition. Alan legitamately beat me with my car.. I gotta start getting better :D
My day was rather bad, but it somewhat got erased afterschool. I didn't do anything too exciting, but I just realize I fit in a lot more places then it seemed, and helping out a friend studying for a test felt good. It was one of those thigns, where you say 'I HELPED SOMEONE' and it makes you feel absolutely great. I know Alan has a thing about 'hah, helping out people sucks', but when it concerns friends i'm sure he doesn't mind :D.
I have stuff I want to say tonight, but I think i'll wait until after the weekend. About 4 people know why, and I don't think anymore people should know, it'll just ruin it.
I'll either be extremely stoic/sad, and have 2 weeks to get over it, or I'll be happy for another month.
Cheers!
Hah, It's been a while.
The universe has turned upside down; as Alan is blogging more then I on this thing. What is it again? I don't even know, we had our angry times, and now we have our living our lives one day at a time thing.
What's next? Who knows, this has lasted longer then the other.. temporary blogs.
So yes, it's been about.. 2 weeks since i've blogged? It's probably going to be another 2 weeks, considering that breaks coming up and either I'll be buzy or I'll just be hanging out too much to even think about blogging about my 'great' winter break to be.
My life has been rather exciting lately, I've been doing a lot of new things, but I still have that stoic expression on my face at the end of the day. I don't really understand it myself, but it's just one of those things teling you that you need more excitment in your life. This coming from a 14-year old. Hah.
Ever since I've turned off my away message when I'm actually on, AIM messages have just been flooding in! Good, bad; who knows, but it was like a revelation. (There's a reason I leave my away message off, it's rather personal, and somewhat stupid so we'll leave it at that.)
So anyway, back to my 2 week break, I've had no real life for the past two weeks, and I've been rather buzy this week in particular. Considering it's the week before winter break, it's somewhat understandable. I've been buzy enough to see that I neglected a few of my friends today, but that's what I get for overbooking. They don't mind.. or I hope not anyway.
It's hitting 10, and the headache is starting to set in. I have been sleeping, then not, in alternate days. 1 hour of sleep, to 10, then back to 4. Now, I hope I get a lot of sleep tonight. I want to wake up fresh, and just do my thing.
I'm listening to an immature jerk lecture me about stuff, but it's ok because I get what info I want, and I can cope.
Anyway, this weekend will be one of those make or break weekends, one that will probably be remembered for a while, hopefully it'll go well.
I write in really.. small clumps. It's a rather pathetic subconcious attempt to make it seem longer, but I never notice until I post. Just me I guess.
I'm not going to introduce any personal issues tonight, that always spoils what good might happen in my life, and I wouldn't want to do that.
My plan for tomorrow is to go christmas shopping for a few people, then on friday, going to a movie and maybe IDing after. ID has become rather fun as of late, and I don't really get it myself. My times haven't gotten any better, but it's just my friends have been getting good, so it's fun competition. Alan legitamately beat me with my car.. I gotta start getting better :D
My day was rather bad, but it somewhat got erased afterschool. I didn't do anything too exciting, but I just realize I fit in a lot more places then it seemed, and helping out a friend studying for a test felt good. It was one of those thigns, where you say 'I HELPED SOMEONE' and it makes you feel absolutely great. I know Alan has a thing about 'hah, helping out people sucks', but when it concerns friends i'm sure he doesn't mind :D.
I have stuff I want to say tonight, but I think i'll wait until after the weekend. About 4 people know why, and I don't think anymore people should know, it'll just ruin it.
I'll either be extremely stoic/sad, and have 2 weeks to get over it, or I'll be happy for another month.
Cheers!
12.06.2003
[music: changing my lfie - eternal snow]
starting entries is generally the hardest thing to do. I don't really understand it myself, but 1/2 the time I feel like i'm going to write something, I quit right before I start.
Maybe gettting those first words to start you off is the problem. Anyway, i'm off topic.
I'm talking to Stacy currently. It's helping me get out all these pent-up emotions.
I'll post more if I feel it's right. I always talk about how I don't care if you read this shit, and what I have to say is what I have to say, but I'm realy lying to myself.
I do care about how people feel about how I write.
Especially important people.
starting entries is generally the hardest thing to do. I don't really understand it myself, but 1/2 the time I feel like i'm going to write something, I quit right before I start.
Maybe gettting those first words to start you off is the problem. Anyway, i'm off topic.
I'm talking to Stacy currently. It's helping me get out all these pent-up emotions.
I'll post more if I feel it's right. I always talk about how I don't care if you read this shit, and what I have to say is what I have to say, but I'm realy lying to myself.
I do care about how people feel about how I write.
Especially important people.
