3.23.2004
I'm kind of spent, but I figure I should post my belated topic on god.
Yeah, you heard me, G-O-D. The 'forsaken' topic.
After going to this babysitting fundrasier at theresa's church, it had me going about religion for a while in my head. I'll tell you this now, I for one am a buddist in a sense that involves thought. I don't fully believe in buddism, but I follow some ideologies. Like the thought of reincarnation. Hell, it makes more sense that souls get recycled, if we have a soul, as opposed to god having to make millions every few days to compensate for all those babies in the world.
But anyway, back to the real topic.
"Is god real?"
That's a heated debate topic among athiests and catholics alike (more like the catholics screaming 'hah, you're all going to hell' to everyone else, but I won't get into that), and my opinion on the matter would probably upset both. To tell you right now, I DO think that god exists, but not in the sense that many people would think. For one, the thought that someone is up there running a huge show consisting of billions of people interacting at once is just proposterous. And the thought that the catholic church is the only way you can convey your belief in him, and that's the only way you're getting into 'heaven' as opposed to 'hell', is probably the part about church that sours me the most. I recently talked to a few friends, and apparently (don't shoot me if I get this wrong, but I'm just generalizing what I hear) to 'go to heaven', you have to get confirmed? I won't get into the money part of it and how corrupt the catholic church has been throughout it's existance (can someone say... priest + kid = secks?), but the fact that you have to get 'confirmed' to prove that you believe in something is just ridiculous. You believe in god, right? What else is there to know?
I really admire the few people who follow religion because they really feel that it's what they believe in, and rather then having the story be interpreted to them like lambs, they spend time to actually GO through and READ and UNDERSTAND in their own way what their religion conveys. I for one, don't have time to really do that, and I have my own set of ideologies that I follow, that I think makes me a decent person.
I went off topic.. somewhat. About god. Of course there is a god. He might not be running the show, but I think he gives hope to millions.. no billions of people out there. The fact that people believe there is a supreme being up there to blame their problems on, to hope that he knows what he's doing and your bad times are just to better you later in life, I think just the belief alone serves the purpose in which god was created. If you're having a shitty year, though you could take responsibility for it yourself, it's a lot easier to say that god intended it to happen, and somehow that makes it.. ok? I guess that works for a lot of people, but I for one would rather have my problems be blamed on me, as opposed to blaming it on someone who doesn't exist in that sense, or if he did, wouldn't like to add another complaint about life to his huge pile.
So in conclusion, I'm actually going to hell because I'm not confirmed and I'm an athiest, though I've probably done a lot of nicer things then all those confirmed priests in the newspapers :P
Yeah, you heard me, G-O-D. The 'forsaken' topic.
After going to this babysitting fundrasier at theresa's church, it had me going about religion for a while in my head. I'll tell you this now, I for one am a buddist in a sense that involves thought. I don't fully believe in buddism, but I follow some ideologies. Like the thought of reincarnation. Hell, it makes more sense that souls get recycled, if we have a soul, as opposed to god having to make millions every few days to compensate for all those babies in the world.
But anyway, back to the real topic.
"Is god real?"
That's a heated debate topic among athiests and catholics alike (more like the catholics screaming 'hah, you're all going to hell' to everyone else, but I won't get into that), and my opinion on the matter would probably upset both. To tell you right now, I DO think that god exists, but not in the sense that many people would think. For one, the thought that someone is up there running a huge show consisting of billions of people interacting at once is just proposterous. And the thought that the catholic church is the only way you can convey your belief in him, and that's the only way you're getting into 'heaven' as opposed to 'hell', is probably the part about church that sours me the most. I recently talked to a few friends, and apparently (don't shoot me if I get this wrong, but I'm just generalizing what I hear) to 'go to heaven', you have to get confirmed? I won't get into the money part of it and how corrupt the catholic church has been throughout it's existance (can someone say... priest + kid = secks?), but the fact that you have to get 'confirmed' to prove that you believe in something is just ridiculous. You believe in god, right? What else is there to know?
I really admire the few people who follow religion because they really feel that it's what they believe in, and rather then having the story be interpreted to them like lambs, they spend time to actually GO through and READ and UNDERSTAND in their own way what their religion conveys. I for one, don't have time to really do that, and I have my own set of ideologies that I follow, that I think makes me a decent person.
I went off topic.. somewhat. About god. Of course there is a god. He might not be running the show, but I think he gives hope to millions.. no billions of people out there. The fact that people believe there is a supreme being up there to blame their problems on, to hope that he knows what he's doing and your bad times are just to better you later in life, I think just the belief alone serves the purpose in which god was created. If you're having a shitty year, though you could take responsibility for it yourself, it's a lot easier to say that god intended it to happen, and somehow that makes it.. ok? I guess that works for a lot of people, but I for one would rather have my problems be blamed on me, as opposed to blaming it on someone who doesn't exist in that sense, or if he did, wouldn't like to add another complaint about life to his huge pile.
So in conclusion, I'm actually going to hell because I'm not confirmed and I'm an athiest, though I've probably done a lot of nicer things then all those confirmed priests in the newspapers :P
3.05.2004
I’ve decided that I don’t know what happiness is.
It’s really hard to explain but within this limited amount of time, I choose not to explain it. All I know is that I’m going to have a fun weekend, I don’t give a damn how it’s done, someone ENTERTAIN me this weekend.
I’m never content. She’s such a good person, but why do I still feel this strange resonence like she isn’t for me? Is she too good for me? Or what? Personality mis-match? Fuck. Good times make me think about the better times with her. The bad times make me think about time with her.
She makes me think about someone else sometimes. I’m lost.
Can someone give me a map back to sanity?
It’s really hard to explain but within this limited amount of time, I choose not to explain it. All I know is that I’m going to have a fun weekend, I don’t give a damn how it’s done, someone ENTERTAIN me this weekend.
I’m never content. She’s such a good person, but why do I still feel this strange resonence like she isn’t for me? Is she too good for me? Or what? Personality mis-match? Fuck. Good times make me think about the better times with her. The bad times make me think about time with her.
She makes me think about someone else sometimes. I’m lost.
Can someone give me a map back to sanity?
3.04.2004
[music: Chingy - one call away]
[intro]
Yeah. It's been a while. Partly due to my wbloggar program not working, and partly due to laziness.
But a quick 30 seconds fixed that, and here I am.
DSAT came from Alan and I being so goddamn frustrated with life, and the mysterious way it fucking works, so we compiled something questioned life, emotion, and humanity itself. There was a period of time where I life was NOT troubling, or not troubling enough anyway, and I'd call it "the calm". With it came other things, happy things, and I was content enough not to complain on this journal.
Well, I'm back.
[/intro]
Depression is a sudden thing. You think nothing of it, and all of a sudden it's crawling on your back like your shadow. It's hard to fight, and hard to conquer, but eventually you either get the fuck over it, or you pull the trigger and all that ends, ends. I probably have been blessed to not be diagnosed with bi-polarness, or anything close to that, so I never really understand how certain people feel when they're down. But I'm down right now. That makes it ok, right?
Before, there had always been an event, a trigger, to me feeling totally empty and alone. Something horrible usually happens, and it leaves a void in me, sucking my thoughts and feelings away into a place where no one knows. Hell, even I don't know. But now, when I'm supposed to be happy with all the decent stuff going on, grades,friends, sports and all, I just feel totally shitty. I'm also extremely sore, which adds to me feeling like shit, so that's all bad.
Tennis is fun. I admit it. It's the first time I've ever been on a real 'organized' sport for school. It's invigorating to play tennis with people who think it's just as fun as you do. But neglecting my friends isn't fun at all. Well, not neglecting, but I feel that I can't spend as much time as I could with them before, and suddenly I understand how all those kids who play sports all year feel. It's harder to handle your friends then your practices, and the neglection of them makes you feel horrible. Or at least I do.
Besides that, there's the whole "victor+girl segment". If my life were an auto-biography, this would fill about 1/2 of it, full of irony of course. With sadies coming up (about a month away), I'm really, REALLY not so happy about the way it's going inside my head. I'm going with Theresa. That's ok though. I already decided that I was going to go with her, girlfriend/boyfriend or not, I just want to have fun one night, if that's possible, with her. I really enjoyed it when we were together, just her and I at the movies, or somewhere, anywhere. The phone calls weren't so bad either. It's just, the moment you think that you're so happy, something is going to screw it up. It always happens, at least with my irony-filled life anyway. I guess you can call me shy. Being with her, while being with her friends, isn't always a picnic. I feel like I'm sacrificing a piece of myself, in order to keep the relationship alive, and that missing piece comes to get me every other night. It shouldn't be like this, relationships are a bitch. You either find someone you really like, and realizing that switching off with your friends, her friends, and her is not exactly easy. From past experiences, if I were to say that finding a girlfriend from a group of people you normally hang out with will never work. It won't be the same in the group, and that's something that no one is cool with. Ahh, the irony of it all.
There's 2 girls that I find cute; one personality wise, and the other.. just cute. Excluding Theresa anyway, I'll save her for another paragraph. I found that the one that is really cool personality wise, has other issues to deal with, and though it's so easy for us to talk, and laugh about the same things, it just will never work out. The cute one.. I've never really had a chance to talk to her by herself yet; I haven't found the confidence to talk to her when she's with all her friends. I heard she's pretty smart, but that never translates into perfect personality. If I had a choice, I would like to get to talk to the personality one more, I really miss talking to her, as she's probably someone I could relate to about 95% of the time. Like I said before however, things will never truely work themselves out with her, and even though I strive to fix that, the void had been left open too long, leaving us nothing but strangers. Strangers who talk easily and laugh at each other, but strangers none-the-less.
And of course there's Theresa. She's a headache, not in a bad way, but not in a good way either. I know she cares, and she can make me smile at times, but she's not.. for me. No matter how I look at it. I really, really want to make her and I work, but I don't even know where to start. She thinks we're similar in ways, and I think so too, but sometimes I feel like talking to her is almost like talking to a teacher; I'll tell her what she wants to hear, but when I don't everything seems tuned out. And of course, her sense of humor generally involves the male genetalia... which is funny to about everyone except me.
In the end, I think I'm going through one of those phases, between friends, sports, and life. It's hard really, but I'm sure i'll get over it. I always do, but that's why I complain here. People who read this are somewhat cohearent to the world around them, and even though they say "ignorance is bliss", I'm glad there are people who understand what the hell is really going on. It's like a perfect analogy with the matrix (shittiest trillogy ever), we're on the outside, looking in. We're not happy of course, but at least we know it's real. And that's what comforts us. Good night folks, I left a pretty fat entry to leave you tired of me until the next time I post.
[intro]
Yeah. It's been a while. Partly due to my wbloggar program not working, and partly due to laziness.
But a quick 30 seconds fixed that, and here I am.
DSAT came from Alan and I being so goddamn frustrated with life, and the mysterious way it fucking works, so we compiled something questioned life, emotion, and humanity itself. There was a period of time where I life was NOT troubling, or not troubling enough anyway, and I'd call it "the calm". With it came other things, happy things, and I was content enough not to complain on this journal.
Well, I'm back.
[/intro]
Depression is a sudden thing. You think nothing of it, and all of a sudden it's crawling on your back like your shadow. It's hard to fight, and hard to conquer, but eventually you either get the fuck over it, or you pull the trigger and all that ends, ends. I probably have been blessed to not be diagnosed with bi-polarness, or anything close to that, so I never really understand how certain people feel when they're down. But I'm down right now. That makes it ok, right?
Before, there had always been an event, a trigger, to me feeling totally empty and alone. Something horrible usually happens, and it leaves a void in me, sucking my thoughts and feelings away into a place where no one knows. Hell, even I don't know. But now, when I'm supposed to be happy with all the decent stuff going on, grades,friends, sports and all, I just feel totally shitty. I'm also extremely sore, which adds to me feeling like shit, so that's all bad.
Tennis is fun. I admit it. It's the first time I've ever been on a real 'organized' sport for school. It's invigorating to play tennis with people who think it's just as fun as you do. But neglecting my friends isn't fun at all. Well, not neglecting, but I feel that I can't spend as much time as I could with them before, and suddenly I understand how all those kids who play sports all year feel. It's harder to handle your friends then your practices, and the neglection of them makes you feel horrible. Or at least I do.
Besides that, there's the whole "victor+girl segment". If my life were an auto-biography, this would fill about 1/2 of it, full of irony of course. With sadies coming up (about a month away), I'm really, REALLY not so happy about the way it's going inside my head. I'm going with Theresa. That's ok though. I already decided that I was going to go with her, girlfriend/boyfriend or not, I just want to have fun one night, if that's possible, with her. I really enjoyed it when we were together, just her and I at the movies, or somewhere, anywhere. The phone calls weren't so bad either. It's just, the moment you think that you're so happy, something is going to screw it up. It always happens, at least with my irony-filled life anyway. I guess you can call me shy. Being with her, while being with her friends, isn't always a picnic. I feel like I'm sacrificing a piece of myself, in order to keep the relationship alive, and that missing piece comes to get me every other night. It shouldn't be like this, relationships are a bitch. You either find someone you really like, and realizing that switching off with your friends, her friends, and her is not exactly easy. From past experiences, if I were to say that finding a girlfriend from a group of people you normally hang out with will never work. It won't be the same in the group, and that's something that no one is cool with. Ahh, the irony of it all.
There's 2 girls that I find cute; one personality wise, and the other.. just cute. Excluding Theresa anyway, I'll save her for another paragraph. I found that the one that is really cool personality wise, has other issues to deal with, and though it's so easy for us to talk, and laugh about the same things, it just will never work out. The cute one.. I've never really had a chance to talk to her by herself yet; I haven't found the confidence to talk to her when she's with all her friends. I heard she's pretty smart, but that never translates into perfect personality. If I had a choice, I would like to get to talk to the personality one more, I really miss talking to her, as she's probably someone I could relate to about 95% of the time. Like I said before however, things will never truely work themselves out with her, and even though I strive to fix that, the void had been left open too long, leaving us nothing but strangers. Strangers who talk easily and laugh at each other, but strangers none-the-less.
And of course there's Theresa. She's a headache, not in a bad way, but not in a good way either. I know she cares, and she can make me smile at times, but she's not.. for me. No matter how I look at it. I really, really want to make her and I work, but I don't even know where to start. She thinks we're similar in ways, and I think so too, but sometimes I feel like talking to her is almost like talking to a teacher; I'll tell her what she wants to hear, but when I don't everything seems tuned out. And of course, her sense of humor generally involves the male genetalia... which is funny to about everyone except me.
In the end, I think I'm going through one of those phases, between friends, sports, and life. It's hard really, but I'm sure i'll get over it. I always do, but that's why I complain here. People who read this are somewhat cohearent to the world around them, and even though they say "ignorance is bliss", I'm glad there are people who understand what the hell is really going on. It's like a perfect analogy with the matrix (shittiest trillogy ever), we're on the outside, looking in. We're not happy of course, but at least we know it's real. And that's what comforts us. Good night folks, I left a pretty fat entry to leave you tired of me until the next time I post.
